This entry in my Agreements Workbook Series (aka “KISSable Agreements) series, comprises Reasons 1 & 2 of the Five Reasons (Most) Agreements Fail. Do you sometimes forget your Agreements? Or miss something that, in hindsight, seems like it should have been obvious? If so, you’re not alone. Read more below, including some suggestions for what to do when these things happen to you.
So here you are. You’ve worked through all of that stuff above, you’ve identified everyone’s needs, you’ve checked the caveats and assumptions, and you’ve made an Agreement. That’s great! Having an agreement is a good thing. Unfortunately, the sad truth is: Nobody’s perfect! At some point your Agreement will likely fail. This in and of itself is not necessarily a bad or tragic thing. It just is. Agreements are iterative, which means that it is normal to engage in “trial and refinement” a few times before you get it right. Often, all that needs to happen is a slight adjustment, a little re-negotiation, and you’re back in business. The good news is that — so long as everyone is being an adult, and negotiating in good faith — there are only five main reasons that things don’t go right. Here’s what they are, and some ideas of what to do in each case.
1) Simply Forgetting
Especially when we’re learning new behaviors, we human beings have a tendency to forget things. For some folks this is more true than others, but even for people who have good memories, it can take a while to get used to something new. In general, if someone forgets an Agreement once or twice, it’s no big deal. If, however, this “forgetting” turns into a pattern, then it’s more likely to be a symptom of something deeper, perhaps one of the other Five Reasons.
Even enlightened bonobos sometimes forget their Agreements!
What to do?
Practice compassion and forgiveness. Remember that no one is perfect (including yourself.) If this is not the first time that this particular Agreement has been forgotten, then consider looking deeper into the other Five Reasons, or the Caveats and Assumptions. Is there something else going on? Consider re-writing or clarifying the Agreement, or brainstorm ways to support memory (e.g., do you need a reminder card? A shareable website? To write your Agreements in Limerick form?) Check the Learning and Memory section of the References/Resources for a few suggestions on where to start learning more about memory and learning (e.g., http://www.brainrules.net/the-rules)
2) Missed Contingency
A “missed contingency” means that something came up that should have been covered by the agreement, but wasn’t. Maybe you didn’t foresee this particular set of circumstances, or didn’t anticipate the particular outcome.
“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making
other plans.”
— John Lennon, in “Beautiful Boy
(Darling Boy),” released 1980
What to do?
Revisit the Agreement. Decide whether you need to add something specific to it, or change the wording. Remember, though, that you still need KISSable Agreements, so don’t make things more complex than necessary!
Note that these entries are all rough drafts, and thus are probably missing things like references. If you know the perfect reference to add, feel free to suggest it! I always like to add to my resource collection.
In her self-love kit, she challenges each of us to choose a branch of the self-love tree, and focus on that for the next year. They’re all good categories, so it’s hard to choose!
Self Acceptance
Self Care
Self Compassion & Forgiveness
Self Empowerment
Self Esteem
Self Expression
Self Honor & Self Respect
Self Pleasure
Self Trust
Self Worth
Self-Awareness & Self Honesty
For me personally, I’m constantly in need of extra work on Self-Compassion and Self-Forgiveness (I’m going to commit to forgiving myself for needing to work on forgiving myself more! *chuckle*.) And she’s spot on when she lists “self-worth” as the root of the whole tree.
In terms of the title of this post, however, I’m going to go out on a limb (ha ha!) and say that for the purposes of loving yourself as part of loving more (whether that’s through polyamory or any other “outside the box” path), that Self-Awareness and Self-Honesty are key. If you don’t know yourself, and understand your own needs, it’s hard for you to truly understand the needs of another. And of course honesty is a crucial cornerstone of any polyamorous relationship… and honesty with others begins with honesty with yourself.
Being honest here, I’m behind in posting this message, and so many of you will not see it till tomorrow. That’s ok. (See how I forgave myself there? ) You can still check out her book on Amazon, download the free kit, and get a lot of good out of working on loving yourself, whether that’s today, tomorrow, or at any point during the year. And tomorrow, you can share it all with those you love… whether that’s one other, many others … or just you. After all, don’t you deserve to give yourself a Valentine’s Day gift, too?
With much LOVE to all,
~♥ Dawn
PS: It’s still not too late to take advantage of my Valentine’s coaching specials! I’m happy to help you in whatever way you need, in your path to loving more, whether that’s through guided visualizations to support your self-love, or by helping you craft personalized Agreements with others. Let me know how I can help YOU create your own best life and loves!
This entry in my Agreements Workbook Series (aka “KISSable Agreements) series, is the second of three discussing some Caveats and Assumptions in making Agreements. Read more below about Good Faith Efforts and why they’re so important in making mutual Agreements.
And remember, I’ll be giving a short presentation on the topic of Agreements at the upcoming Academic Poly Conference in Berkeley, CA, this weekend (February 15-17). My presentation is currently scheduled for mid-afternoon on Saturday in the parallel non-academic track. (You can still register here!)
Back in Tip #2 (Clear Standards and Consequences), we talked about respect, and a little about negotiating in “good faith.” What does that mean? It means that for Agreements to work, all parties must be respecting themselves and each other, and being honest with themselves and each other (and by extension, the world.) Yes, “stuff happens,” and Agreements aren’t always able to be kept. However, if one or more parties enter into the Agreement in “bad faith,” i.e., never intending that it be kept, or knowingly choosing a path that will hurt the other/s, then the Agreement was untenable from the first. No amount of writing and re-writing Agreements will ever produce one that will work for everyone.
“In contract law, the implied covenant of good faith is a general presumption that the parties to a contract will deal with each other honestly, fairly, and in good faith, so as to not destroy the right of the other party or parties to receive the benefits of the contract.”
—Wikipedia article on “Good Faith (law),” Feb. 11, 2013(emphasis added)
Conversely, it’s generally important to assume good faith, in absence of evidence to the contrary. Suspicion breeds mistrust, and that generally leads to a downward spiral. This is because mistrust is usually met with defensiveness, which most people interpret (rightly or wrongly) as slightly hostile, which leads to more defensiveness and hostility, ad nauseum. Starting from a place of neutrality, or if possible, assuming good faith, will lead to the most positive benefits to be gained from the situation.
In other words, in single dealings, it can be hard to tell, but in multiple encounters, a pattern of behavior will probably emerge. Ultimately the most important thing, in my opinion, is that all parties are honest with themselves and each other. With that in place, the rest can be dealt with over time.
[Up next in the Agreements Workbook series: The 3rd of 3 entries on Caveats and Assumptions.]
Note that these entries are all rough drafts, and thus are probably missing things like references. If you know the perfect reference to add, feel free to suggest it! I always like to add to my resource collection.
If you’re interested in meeting other like-minded folks, perhaps taking some workshops, or hearing some speakers, and having fun at events during or alongside the conference, you may want to consider attending one of the upcoming conferences. At the bottom of this post, I’ve included a little more information on just a few of the many that are coming up in the next half-year (in order on the calendar). Check ‘em out!
(By the way, I’ll be presenting at the Academic conference on Feb 16th. I won’t be in the Academic track (since I don’t have Academic research to present), but instead I’ll be in the parallel Session B: Educational/Experiential Presentations. I’ll be presenting a very short segment — conference coordinator Dave Doleshal has asked for 30 minutes max! — about making Agreements, drawn from the material you can find serialized here in my Agreements Workbook entries. I’m planning to have some form of the book ready for sale at that conference, so if you want it hot off the presses, you might want to consider attending!)
PPS: I’m an affiliate of Reid’s, so if you choose to purchase anything from that link, I’ll get a cut. But I trust that you are capable of doing your own due diligence, and making sure that whatever you invest in is going to be of benefit to YOU. I think Reid’s awesome, and I think you will too.
Since 2005 when George Marvil hosted the first Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia, it has been the best place to warm up your winter with fun, learning and polyamory community. Whether you are new to polyamory and wanting to find out more, a professional interested in helping clients or an experienced poly person looking to have fun with old friends, Poly Living is a great place to learn, explore and connect with real people.
Poly Living Attendees
[Dawn sez: I've been to Poly Living when it was in Seattle. It was a great conference there, and I've heard that the Philadelphia location is even better!]
This conference will explore issues related to monogamous and nonmonogamous relationships from an interdisciplinary perspective. This event will be devoted to presentations of scientific and academic research related to polyamory, open relationships, “swinging,” other forms of consensual nonmonogamy and related subjects. The conference does not take a position on whether consensual nonmonogamy is “good” or “bad,” or whether any particular type of nonmonogamous relationship is healthy or pathological. The intention of the event is explore the subject in as objective and unbiased a manner as possible. Presentations will cover various topics that offer some possible progress to a deeper and more complete understanding of the phenomenon of consensual non-monogamy.
[This is the] third year of Atlanta Poly Weekend. This conference is designed to further the education and advancement of poly friendly lifestyle choices in our community. We aim to bring in the foremost speakers in our lifestyle to educate poly friendly community on matters regarding the family, the law, and social interactions and justice for those in our poly communities.
Friday night reception.
Saturday all day workshop sessions and evening events hosted by local poly groups.
Sunday AGM for CPAA membership and poly community leadership networking event.
And did you see the recent news from Harvard? They’ve allowed an official Kink club on campus! I think this is great news for the wider world of alternative sexuality, and sex-positivity. For me, it begs the question, however, of whether polyamory is a “kink” at least for the purposes of this club? What do you think? Feel free to comment here, in private mail, or in my Facebook!
Hey folks! Sorry for the delay in posting. I’ve come down with a nasty cold. :^( I’ve been mostly on my back for a couple of days now, with a super-sore throat and other symptoms. Fortunately for you, THAT kind of virus isn’t transmissible via the Internet!
In the meantime, I thought I’d let local folks know about two upcoming events that I’m involved in. First is the local East Bay Poly Potluck and Discussion on Tuesday 11/27, at which we’ll be hosting local SF Bay Area author Laird Harrison. Laird will be doing a reading from his poly-themed novel, Fallen Lake, followed by some discussion (facilitated by yours truly.) You can read more about the book at the publisher’s website. Want to attend the discussion group, but you’re not yet on the EBPP/DG announcement list? Write to me privately with your address and I’ll send you the announcement with the RSVP Google-spreadsheet link in it.
Interested in the novel, but can’t make it to the discussion? You can get a DISCOUNTED copy of the book for only $9 ($6.95 off the cover price). Again, write to me in email with your email address, and I’ll be happy to send you the discount code. Want a signed copy of the book? Write directly to Laird: lairdh-fallenlake@yahoo.com.
∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥
And in other news, I’m part of a team working to bring a new workshop to the Bay Area for the first time in January of 2013 (1/25 through 1/27). This experiential workshop, called the Journey to Wholeheartedness, is based on Brene Brown‘s important work on shame and vulnerability. Longtime HAI Intern and presenter David Spinney will be presenting. If you’re on Facebook, you can find out more on the Journey to Wholeheartedness Event Page. If you’re not on FB, you can read more at the Journey to Wholeheartedness website, or download a pdf flyer.
In the meantime, I highly recommend that you watch the TED talks of Dr. Brown’s work. Here are several YouTube links, for your viewing pleasure.
Here’s hoping you’re enjoying good health, and lots of love!
~♥ Dawn
PS: Like my Love Outside the Box logo? Now you can get it on T-shirts, mugs, and ornaments! Check it out!
The poly lists are all a-twitter (and a-facebook and a-google…) with the news about the upcoming Showtime series “Polyamory: Married and Dating,” which features the awesome Kamala Devi and her husband Michael McClure from San Diego, along with their extended “pod.” Seven half-hour segments will air Thursdays from July 12 through August 23.
You can check out the promo clips here (the first one is 15 seconds, and the second one is 65 seconds):
Kamala is the Keynote Speaker for the upcoming World Polyamory Association conference as well, July 13-15, at Harbin Hotsprings. (I’ve been considering presenting as well, though health issues have so far kept me from committing.)
I had the opportunity to meet and interact with Kamala about two years back, and I can attest that she’s a wonderful, down-to-earth, and very sincere woman. I’m very excited that she’s involved with this project, and I think there’s a strong possibility that the show will be a very positive contribution to the media coverage of polyamory in the mainstream today. Given the recent, highly successful OPEN-SF Conference, and now this about-to-be-blockbuster series, I feel we’re living in extremely exciting times here in the polyamory/open/non-monogamous world.
What do you think? Is the increasing visibility of the poly community a good thing? Do you see challenges? Is Kamala’s association with tantra a good thing, or “too much sex”? How does this show sync up with the themes of diversity and visibility brought out at the recent OPEN-SF conference? What resonates for you?
As always, feel free to comment here, or on my Facebook, Love Outside The Box. I welcome your discussion and input!
~♥ Dawn
PS: Sorry for the lack of posts, recently. Since the OPEN-SF conference, I’ve been experiencing some health challenges that have whacked my energy. I’m starting to feel better, and getting back to doing more regular work now, though! Thanks for your patience.
had this whole post ready to go, and then my computer ate it. Murphy and Mercury are laughing at my expense this week! So rather than wait for perfection (I’m “getting a C!” as one of my mentors, Samantha Bennett would say!), I’m posting something shorter now. Please understand it’s not because I think this doesn’t deserve a longer post. It does!
The other day, I had my mind blown. Here’s a quote to start with, although I’m not certain that it’s fully understandable without the full article that goes with it:
“Intimacy is, itself, the relationship between influence and risk.”
The article was first presented as the Opening Keynote at the recent Atlanta Poly Weekend, and is by a friend and* colleague of mine, maymay. His thought is nuanced, complex, uncomfortable, and highly provoking. I also think it’s brilliant and possibly one of the most important things I’ve read in quite a while. It’s long, so take your time. But I think it will be worth it.
As always, I welcome your input. I think this deserves a lot of thought, and equal discussion. Feel free to comment here or on my Facebook Page, LoveOTB.
Enjoy… or not… ;^)
~♥ Dawn
*4/26/12, Edited to Add:
Wow. Maymay seems to think it’s perfectly ok to savage those who don’t agree with him 100%, call them names, and accuse them of derailing. That’s not really a communication style that I’m in favor of, and it leaves me feeling pretty uncomfortable to link to his speech. I still think that his main thesis around triadic relationships is bold, interesting, and perhaps brilliant. I remain unconvinced of his assertions about “the BDSM community” being “unrepentantly evil.” At this point, I’m not sure I’d advise attempting to engage him in conversation, in any online medium. The person I was previously pleased to call my friend seems to have left the building, to be replaced by maymay’s personal Mr. Hyde. Your mileage may certainly vary, so feel free to put on your asbestos undies, as they say, and read and/or comment as you see fit. I certainly wouldn’t want to Dominate you without your permission, after all. (*wry smile*)
On the other hand, in the process of looking to see if a copy of his speech (sans comments) happened to be curated somewhere else, I did find this extremely interesting entry by thirdxlucky, On Dyad Fetishism: A Parallel Between Metamour Relationships and Body-Policing. If you still have room for more thinking after reading maymay’s speech (or not reading it, as you decide…), I highly recommend reading this one, too.
Yes, I will be presenting at the upcoming OPEN-SF Conference! Join me for what promises to be an AWESOME conference with some very unusual presentations and offerings. Not limited to “polyamory,” this conference invites and embraces all sorts of “open” and ethically non-monogamous relationships: Open marriages; open relationships; polyamory; swinging; sex-positive/sluts; friends-with-benefits; non-exclusive D/s relationships, and more! If you’re not exclusively monogamous (in some way or another), and you are open about that (with your partner/s, and possibly with others in your life), then this conference will have something to offer you.
If you register now, it’s only $60 for the whole weekend. And confidentially (and partly to help move you to register ASAP), the conference organizers are finding this all enough work that this conference may never happen again, or possibly only every few years. So if you like what you see, vote with your feet and your wallets! Make it a success, in numbers, in connections, and financially… and let them know that you love them for doing it!
I’ve included a slightly edited version of what I just got in email, so you can see all the awesome perks that registering now will get you. You know you want to!
Hope to see you in June!
~♥ Dawn
♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥∞♥
We have just announced our session lineup! With this conference, we really wanted to do something different from previous poly/nonmonogamy conferences, and we have accomplished that. In addition to the usual nonmonogamy skills workshops, and some new and advanced skill sessions, we have included a number of workshops, lectures, and panels that focus on the intersections between nonmonogamy and other groups or movements. In addition, there are a number of sessions on sexuality (threesomes! D/S in the bedroom! fisting!) and various sessions that incorporate movement or the creative arts.
There’s no time like the present to register! Not only should YOU register if you haven’t yet, but now is the time to get that recalcitrant friend on board! Let them know that registering (currently $60) gets them the following things:
* Access to over 35 excellent conference sessions on a variety of topics!
* Two amazing keynote presentations!
* Free entry to a Poly Speed Dating event and the Love Triangle dance club during the weekend.
* Reduced entry to a special edition of the Friday Pink play party, and possibly another play party.
* Reduced entry to a Cuddle Party on Sunday.
* Access to various other social events at the hotel, yet to be announced!
Also, if you want a room at the hotel, now’s the time to book. The Holiday Inn is close to full and we’ve lined up a backup hotel for the overflow. Check out hotel information here: http://www.open-sf.org/location.html
The wonderful folks in Victoria BC are responsible for the polyeventsallover site. It’s an aggregation of Google Calendars that list polyamory-related events. Anyone who has a Google Calendar for their poly group or events is welcome to submit the calendar. It also gives a place for people to find poly events, and to be able to submit poly events to their area. Each calendar lists the person to submit your local events to.
Note that because it’s NEW, and SELF-GENERATED, there’s not a lot on it in many places. Please link your calendars here, please submit events, and please make use of this great new resource.
And as a super-early sneak preview, there’s someone on the Poly Leadership Network who’s trying to build a new site that will be a collection of links, and link to all sorts of poly stores etc. Again, it’s being designed to be something that is user-submitted and maintained, so fewer links should go dead because the site maintainer got tired of maintaining it. It’s still under development, but I’ll let you know as soon as it’s ready to use, which should be soon!
“I’m speaking up for those who feel lost and alone, and who’ve been rejected by others for core pieces of their being, whether that’s paganism, poly, their bodies, kink, or whatever. I’m here to say “you are not alone,” and “you are fine, just the way you are,” and hand you some tools and roadmaps.”
What do YOU need to be heard about?
unchartedlove@gmail.com or 510-686-3386.
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This entry in my Agreements Workbook Series (aka “KISSable Agreements) series, comprises Reasons 1 & 2 of the Five Reasons (Most) Agreements Fail. Do you sometimes forget your Agreements? Or miss something that, in hindsight, seems like it should have been obvious? If so, you’re not alone. Read more below, including some suggestions for what to do when these things happen to you.
) You can still 
